How to Purchase Awkward Items at Wal-Mart

We've all been there. You have to buy something at Wal-Mart, but you don't necessarily want people to know. Do you need Activia yogurt, but you don't want people knowing you have the stomach of Jamie Lee Curtis at age 20? Are you buying Beano so you friends and family can stand to be around you? Are all your friends buying InStyle magazine, but you really want to know how to use up all your summer squash so you go for Southern Living instead? Well here are a few tips and tricks for getting out of the store without anyone knowing your secrets... I believe you small town dwellers will find this information especially pertinent!

Step 1: Wear average looking clothes. Shorts, T-shirt, don't stand out. The goal is to blend with the masses.

Step 2: Get a cart. You may only need that one item, but you're gonna need a cart, and here's why...

Step 3: Buy anything else you need first. Especially if these things are bulky and good for covering awkward items.

Step 4: If your other items aren't bulky, I suggest you buy a Wal-Mart shirt. Don't pay over $3 and some change. Also, find one you kinda like, since it'll probably turn out to be super comfy and you'll ask yourself, "Why don't I buy more clothes at Wal-Mart?"

Step 5: Buy one thing just for fun. When you get home and take your Awkward Item out of the bag, you might feel bad about yourself.  But then you take your fun purchase out, and you feel better again!

Step 6: Head to the Awkward Item Aisle. Scope it out for people you know, or people who know anyone else that knows you. Remember, small town.

Step 7: Feign interest in a normal looking item for a couple of minutes, just in case anyone is watching you. You never know.

Step 8: It's time for the ol' casual stroll and grab move. Stroll by casually, grab the item, hide it under your $3 shirt, and move on, all in one swift motion. You can do it!

Step 9: It's time to check out, and by check out I mean Self Check Out*. This way, the cashier isn't like, "Sweetie why are you buying so many Tums? You're so young!"

*If your Wal-Mart doesn't have a Self Check Out, you should probably be writing to your store's manager. Tell them adolescence was embarrassing enough to last a lifetime, and you want and deserve an un-awkward adulthood.

Step 10: Scan your items swiftly and smoothly, like a check-out ninja. Also,  put the awkward item in the middle of the bag and cover it up. The bad thing about self check outs is they often malfunction, and the Wal-Mart lady will have to come help you. Leave no room for error!

Step 11: Walk out that door like you own the place! You're free! You've made it! Now go home, use your Awkward items, and enjoy your awkward life. Everyone else certainly is. :)

How to Tell if That Couple is Newlywed/On Their Honeymoon

Well, Husband and I are back from a wonderful week of cruise honeymoon! While on this cruise, about a million people said, "You must be on your honeymoon!" I started to wonder how they could tell, then I realized I could tell other couples who were on their honeymoons as well. I think there's a few things that give you away. I'll use W for wife, and H for husband.


On the flight down to the cruise port, you hear conversations like this:

Flight Attendant: In case of emergency, be sure to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others...

W: Yeah honey, you save yourself first!

H: No sweetie, I would save you!

(other passengers: trying not to puke listening to this conversation...)


On the flight back though, they've discovered the fun of thinly veiled insults that would break up a dating couple, but now your significant other is stuck with you! Haha!

Flight Attendant: In case of emergency, your seat cushion turns into a flotation device...

W: That's ok, you'll work as my flotation device baby.

H: I'm just going to drown you.

Did I say thinly veiled?


The couple also can't go anywhere/do anything alone.

H: I'm going to get a glass of water.

W: I'll come with you.


W: I think I'm gonna jump in the pool.

H: I'll come with you.


H: I'm gonna use the restroom.

W: I'll come.... (pauses, thinks) I guess I'll just wait out here then.



They also do a lot of conspiratorial smiling at each other, and complimenting each other on how great those rings look on their hands. And, they think every picture they take will look fantastic, because they're on their honeymoon. Until they get back and have to delete 45 pictures of their thumb, trees, cars, etc.

So the next time you're out and about, you can use these tips to alert yourself to honeymooners, and run away before they kill you with their cuteness.

See? What was I even looking at?? Our feet? A wall?

Ok, Here's one nice one for you :)

Stressed? Why would I be stressed?

Well friends, the wedding rapidly approaches. It's tomorrow! You may be asking, "Don't you have a million things better to do than blog?" Of course I do! But it's helping me de-stress so here you go....

What I am very excited about tomorrow bringing:

-Life with the man of my dreams :)
-New family!!
-Cake
-Being surrounded by friends and family
-Dancing
-More cake

Hope everyone else has as wonderful a day tomorrow as I plan on having!

IN THE NEAR FUTURE, STAY TUNED FOR.....

posts from a married girl!

Ex: Why does he put everything down the garbage disposal????