How to Purchase Awkward Items at Wal-Mart

We've all been there. You have to buy something at Wal-Mart, but you don't necessarily want people to know. Do you need Activia yogurt, but you don't want people knowing you have the stomach of Jamie Lee Curtis at age 20? Are you buying Beano so you friends and family can stand to be around you? Are all your friends buying InStyle magazine, but you really want to know how to use up all your summer squash so you go for Southern Living instead? Well here are a few tips and tricks for getting out of the store without anyone knowing your secrets... I believe you small town dwellers will find this information especially pertinent!

Step 1: Wear average looking clothes. Shorts, T-shirt, don't stand out. The goal is to blend with the masses.

Step 2: Get a cart. You may only need that one item, but you're gonna need a cart, and here's why...

Step 3: Buy anything else you need first. Especially if these things are bulky and good for covering awkward items.

Step 4: If your other items aren't bulky, I suggest you buy a Wal-Mart shirt. Don't pay over $3 and some change. Also, find one you kinda like, since it'll probably turn out to be super comfy and you'll ask yourself, "Why don't I buy more clothes at Wal-Mart?"

Step 5: Buy one thing just for fun. When you get home and take your Awkward Item out of the bag, you might feel bad about yourself.  But then you take your fun purchase out, and you feel better again!

Step 6: Head to the Awkward Item Aisle. Scope it out for people you know, or people who know anyone else that knows you. Remember, small town.

Step 7: Feign interest in a normal looking item for a couple of minutes, just in case anyone is watching you. You never know.

Step 8: It's time for the ol' casual stroll and grab move. Stroll by casually, grab the item, hide it under your $3 shirt, and move on, all in one swift motion. You can do it!

Step 9: It's time to check out, and by check out I mean Self Check Out*. This way, the cashier isn't like, "Sweetie why are you buying so many Tums? You're so young!"

*If your Wal-Mart doesn't have a Self Check Out, you should probably be writing to your store's manager. Tell them adolescence was embarrassing enough to last a lifetime, and you want and deserve an un-awkward adulthood.

Step 10: Scan your items swiftly and smoothly, like a check-out ninja. Also,  put the awkward item in the middle of the bag and cover it up. The bad thing about self check outs is they often malfunction, and the Wal-Mart lady will have to come help you. Leave no room for error!

Step 11: Walk out that door like you own the place! You're free! You've made it! Now go home, use your Awkward items, and enjoy your awkward life. Everyone else certainly is. :)

El boyfriendo

This is my attempt to guess at what might go on in my boyfriend's head when we go to wal-mart together. Just so you know he is the best boyfriend ever.

1. Must not let girlfriend carry heavy things. Her arms are surely made of noodles.

2. Must not let girlfriend put cart in cart return at wal-mart. This is a man's work.

3. Must pay for all items together. Paying separately would just be nonsensical.

4. Must buy all name-brand things. Wal-mart brand is inferior and will probably taste different.

5. Must look at electronics sections every time we go to wal-mart. There are probably things I will buy over there.

6. Must not let girlfriend stand on cart and ride around. This requires me to push her down a random aisle and walk away like I don't know her.

7. Must guide girlfriend through parking lot. She will likely be hit by a car without me doing so. (okay, this one is realistic.)

Going to Walmart with my boyfriend is one of my favorite things to do, ever.

Also- don't forget tonight is the season 2 finale of Downton Abbey! Two glorious hours. Watching this season's premiere of the Walking Dead will just have to wait. Sorry zombies.